Writing something on What To Say When…. Like a resource for people who haven’t had a specific life experience and really don’t want to be an accidental dick to the friend who just did. If you want to chime in, I’d love your input.
What To Say To Someone Who’s…
1. Had a loved one die.
2. Getting a divorce.
3. Had a miscarriage.
4. Lost a job.
5. Just had a baby.
6. Is about to have a baby.
Michael: So clever you are. Got all of us thinking of ways to be helpful. You’re amazing.
I liked your animal intuition thoughts. Being near and opening your heart – regardless of the words I can always sense when someone (animal or human) has stopped and given me their presence. You’re so right.
I wanna be more supportive of my loved ones, these are all such good ways to show it! Thank u
Nell Aiello: For 1-4, or any very sad news, say something. Silence or avoidance is worse than saying the wrong thing.
Erin Aiello:
For #5, the best thing that anyone ever said to me after having kid#1 was (on voicemail) “congratulations, I’m so happy for you. She’s beautiful. You don’t need to call me back. But I’m going to call you every once in a while. And if you want to pick up the phone and chat, I’m here for you. And if it’s not a good time, you don’t have to pick up or worry about calling me back.”
Casey: How about what to say to someone who’s just called himself ‘old’ and you feel like you’re supposed so say “no you’re not!”… but he IS old?
Emily Stryker: 7. Infertile or Subfertile (or dealing with same)
Hi Amber, I finally have a chance to write out some stuff about what to say to people dealing with subfertility or infertility. To be honest, it’s far easier for me to write what NOT to say. My top three “not to say” things: 3. “Why don’t you just adopt?” as though adoption is something you JUST DO and doesn’t cost shitloads of money and years of heartache, and you may or may not end up with a kid at the end of the process. Adoption can be a wonderful thing but it is not right for every family and there’s no “just” about it. It is not a casual process. 2. “Have you tried x?” where x is any number of things related to sexual positions, old wives tales, or other often offensive assvice. 1. “Everything happens for a reason,” which NO NO NO, this is a terrible thing to say in a number of situations but it is at least as terrible in a fertility situation as it is in a death or a divorce or a miscarriage or a whatever other bad and awful thing situation. The implication is that the person going through the bad thing did something to cause the bad thing, when that is never, ever the case.
OK, so those are the bad things. Here’s something I wrote in 2011 that I think is still 100% relevant to the topic. But it boils down to: 3. Be aware “How can I learn more?” 2. Be supportive “What can I do to help?” 1. Be compassionate “I’m sorry you are going through this experience.”https://www.facebook.com/
Jamie: Just lost a baby.
Tara: Severe illness/diagnosis?
Amanda Kruse well I have no input bc I never know what to say. im a big proponent of the hug and “im here for you” bc i’m the worst. SO, I am looking forward to see what you come up with.
Catherine Wells pregnant or new baby and single. oh, and for divorcing? “thank god you didn’t have kids.” and for dead relatives, “it was God’s plan”. O_o
Shaunessy Jones It depends on how well I know them but usually I say how sorry I am, that I care, and then offer to do something for them- drop off food, take them out to drink, etc. I might also send a card or note or gift. I try to check up after the big blow because support tends to wane after that.
You might also add: 8. When someone is going through health crisis (like cancer or something)?
Amanda Kruse Oh one thing I HATE is when someone says “it’s okay,” about something that is CLEARLY NOT okay
Trina Harmon Oh I have so much to say. . U may add the simple when a friend is hyper upset about something u don’t think is a big deal. How u handle that bonds or weakens relationships.
Heather Gold When someone’s had a miscarriage tell them you’re sorry for their loss. Don’t give advice. Let them just be sad if they are.
Laura Smart I think that people who are struggling with what to say often want to try to find the positive or the silver lining, if you will. These good intentions lead people to say things like, “It was in God’s plan,” or “Well at least you know you can get pregnant” or “On the bright side at least you have the “good” cancer that is really treatable.” But this type of statement is serving to make the friend feel better… but often it makes the person going through the struggle feel worse. Because it dismisses their struggle, unintentionally. I think the best thing to say is “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” and then instead of asking what you can do to help (because they never know and usually don’t ask for anything), just DO SOMETHING of your own accord without being asked. Bring over a casserole or several. Start a meal train. Invite them to stay at your place when they’re going through a divorce and can’t be in the home they share with their ex… and have wine waiting when they get to your house. Stuff like that.
Bryan Galante 1. Oh my, Im so very sorry for your loss, if you need any thing, call me, (and give your phone number) day or night,
Bryan Galante 2. Im sorry to hear that, I hope everything works out the way it needs too.
3. Oh no!, I am so sorry! are you ok? is there anything i can help with or do for you, Im going to make you dinner for a few days, so you dont have to worry about that!
4. Well that’s no good! Let me call a few friends and see if we can get you back on your feet!
5. Ok, lets go get something to drink, some cookies and figure out whats good in life!
6. WELL CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! this is great! This is such a fun time, Call me if you have an questions, I have tons of baby cloths we can let you have and toys! Im so happy for you, my wife knows how to eat well during this time, call and email her! she would love to share all that she learned! and what time are you free for dinner! also…. do you mind being my designated driver for the next 9 months?
Bryan Galante my main point… if you are truly supportive like a good friend, you will be there no matter what, and you will stop by and help any way you can, people say alot but dont fallow up… be that person who fallows up and know that there are alot more that will not and keep moving forward! There is a universal rule that everyone should fallow, treat others the way you want to be treated!